Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?
By Margaret Paul 5 Comments
Sexual Attraction - Addiction or Intimacy?
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
Megan asked the following questions in one of our phone
sessions: "Over and over, when I'm really attracted to a man
and I sleep with him fairly early in the relationship, I
discover that he is not good husband material. What am I
doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men?"
This is a frequent question from my single women clients.
"Megan, many men know how to project sexual energy in a way
that arouses women. These men define their worth by their
sexuality and by their ability to attract woman. They know
just how to sexually ignite a woman - it's an energy that
they are putting out that goes right into your genitals and
makes you think that something real and important is
happening. But they are operating from a sexual addiction
rather than from caring or intimacy."
"So what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual
"You need to be telling yourself that this feeling doesn't
mean anything ' that it's just an energy that is being
projected onto you but has nothing to do with love,
intimacy, caring, or marriage. Real, long-lasting
relationships take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon
first meeting someone, there is a good possibility that this
man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a
real relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to not
have sex early in a relationship, even if you are very
"Well, when do you have sex?"
"When you feel emotionally intimate. When you trust each
other and really care about each other's wellbeing. When you
know that the feelings are not just sexual, and that the
sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy rather than
from a sexual addiction. Why not wait until there is a
commitment to the relationship and to learning and growing
with each other? How often have you slept with a man that
you were really attracted to and then had the relationship
not work out?"
"More often than I'm willing to admit. This is what keeps
happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with
men that I'm not immediately attracted to?"
"Yes, if you like them. Often, sexual attraction grows as
you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the
best relationships are people who were not immediately
attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in
love with each other. Others, who were attracted
immediately, lost their attraction as they got to know the
"Many men can have sex and then just move on without any
inner turmoil. Yet many women feel connected to a man when
they have sex with him and then feel awful when the
relationship doesn't work out. It is unloving to yourself to
sleep with a man early in the relationship and then run the
risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex.
"Another factor is that sex without emotional intimacy is
often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too
early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or
physically satisfying. When sex is not an expression of
love, it often feels empty, and then the guy might decide
that you are not the right person for him because there were
no fireworks. Yet if you had waited for love to develop, it
might have been wonderful. You really have nothing to lose
"But," replied Megan, "I always think that a man won't like
me if I don't have sex with him."
"Well, if you doesn't like you for not having sex with him,
what does this tell you about him?"
"I guess it tells me that he is not good husband material."
"Right! So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right
"Okay, I see that now. I see that what I've been doing is
never going to lead to marriage. I'm going to put sex on the
back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy."
Megan completely changed her pattern with men and within a
year she was engaged to be married.
About The Author:
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?" and "Healing Your Aloneness." She is
the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing
process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a
FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
email her at mailto:email@example.com. Phone