Overcoming the Fears of Divorce
By Harlan Jacobsen 13 Comments
The new fears surfacing during and as a result of your divorce process become a heavy wave of fear and add much more despair to an already overloaded period in your life.
Fear is a major factor in the stress and moving on from your divorce.
Fear of the unknown.
Probably more "unknowns" hanging over your head, than any other time in your life.
What catastrophe happens to me next?
You will need to learn how to handle these fears that seem to come along with the divorce process..
If you do not learn how to confront and control these fears of divorce, you risk losing your emotional and physical health and the joy of living.
Fear has been with you forever, and has all along the way touched every aspect of your life.
Here are some examples of fears to help jog your memory...failure, the future, financial insecurity, rejection, injury, success, height, water, fire, flying, germs, relationships or lack of, death, sex, or lack of, war, losing something, not getting something, getting caught for wrongdoings, crowds, public speaking, relapsing, being wrong, the opposite sex, the same sex, the unknown, health problems, any phobias , etc.
This heightened state of fear during the divorce process, may derive from a self-centered fear that as a result of our divorce that we will lose something that we already have or not ever again be able to get something that we want or need.
Get these fears out in the open by submitting them to paper and take a good look at them.
Write down each fear that you have experienced as a result of and a part of the divorce process experience.
Doing this exercise on paper is an important part of the step to move on that we are explaining here.
To cheat and not do the "on paper" exercise is to cheat no one but yourself and your moving on to a new life.
Use descriptive words to cover both the feelings and beliefs underlying your newly acquired divorce fears.
You will then be able to talk more honestly and openly about your fears with someone who cares, whether it is a professional or a friend.
Your divorce induced fears are one of the parts of your divorce that need to be and can be talked out.
Writing it down and seeing them in black and white will help you focus your thoughts as you face your fears.
Once you have your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs all written out in front of you, this will allow you to be more objective with what is going on with your fears.
These fears restricting us from doing what should be done, or causing us to do what should be avoided, can set in motion chains of circumstances which can add significantly to divorce woes.
These predictable fears can add additional misfortunes that we do not need or deserve.
Is it possible that you have developed some of these new fears because you have relied on yourself and you now see yourself as having failed ?
Is this apparent lack of power and feeling your life has gotten out of control, affect your circumstances and your present dilemma?
In the divorce process, particularly if in a legal adversarial battle with two attorneys. life seems much of the time to have almost completely gotten out of your control.
Fear of all the bad outcome possibilities and then not knowing what will happen next is bad enough.
It is devastating to discover that it now appears, no matter what you do or how much effort you expend, you will have no control whatsoever of the out come.
Financial insecurity, is perhaps the biggest fear and stress of divorce. Perhaps the money was not enough to go around when you were both supporting one household.
Now, with divorce, that same income is now going to have to be stretched to support two households.
Certainly someone's standard of living is going to have to be drastically lowered and likely both.
How bad is it going to be, how can you survive?
Are you going to lose your home?
Fear piles in of what all you might lose.
Next most common fear is rejection, I was rejected by my spouse who knew me better then anyone in the world.
Result, now my fear is that no one will ever love me again..........
Afraid of never getting involved in a relationship again, or lack of ever having sex again, fear of not ever finding companionship again, fear of being wrong, fear of the opposite sex, fear of the unknown, what lies ahead. etc etc
Fears not only cause stress, they can eat away at your body, mind and emotions.
Your spirit gets lost in the waves of emotions: anger, frustration and the loss of all joy and hope.
The new fears surfacing as your divorce progresses, bring on a new wave of despair.
Fear of the unknown or what catastrophe happens next is the great problem with the divorce process.
If is perfectly normal to be uncomfortable with anything new or unknown, and becomes a fear when the unknown can include losses.
To overcome these fears, simply become informed and knowledgeable about all things in your divorce, that lie ahead.
When you know all about it, it no longer is a fear. Read up on and become informed, on this web site and associated links..
We have spent years putting together what you need to know to survive divorce and to move on to a second chance to get on with a great new life.
You need not be afraid of and/or powerless, when it comes to what you know how to handle.
You have no experience and little or no knowledge about what you are going thru. It is natural to have fears about what you know nothing about.
Others have gone thru it and left you the information you need to know, so go thru this process, totally informed and knowledgeable.
If you remain ignorant about it and afraid, it is in a large part because you simply have not done your home work.
It is very important to learn how to handle your fears, get them under your control, to get thru your divorce recovery process.
The uncertainty of your new roles, all on your own, perhaps feeling for the first time in your life, not having someone around as a baby sitter.
For the first time the almost complete isolation you face and the lack of the unknown, together all stress you out far more than when you had been going through your daily life before divorce. .
With the onset of the split, often fears started to run wild.
You will eventually come to realize you do not have control over events or other people.
However, you do have total control over your response to events and to people..
This is where we begin to wage our battle with fear
Yes, the only control you have is over yourself.
Perhaps for the first time you are now totally in charge and control of your own life.
You alone have all responsibility for you. That is indeed scary.
Can you handle it?
It is now your choice on how you will choose to live it.
Choose now how you will obtain the necessary tools, knowledge and assistance to live your life with more happiness, more joy and more love then you have ever experienced before.
You must do something about these needless fears immediately if you find yourself being overwhelmed and experiencing fear.
Consider fear as the enemy.
Visualize your mind as a house. When you leave the doors and windows open, these fears rush in and take over.
Close your mental windows and doors and lock them out, and they will soon go away.
Whatever you fear most has no power - it is your fear that has the power. Oprah Winfrey
Here are some additional suggestions:
Most of your fears are mere shadows.
Do whatever you need to cover and do to take normal precautions from what you fear. in a relaxed and healthy manner..
Say to yourself, " My new life is not controlled by fear".
Fear is like a bully that tries to intimidate you, the more it affects you, the more it comes on to you.
When and if the bully finds out you lock it out and ignore it, the fear bully finding it has no power over you, soon leaves.
Remind yourself of the following, several times throughout the day. and every time your fears rise to the top of consciousness.
"My fears are mere shadows, and most of these fears I have imagined are not about to become my reality.
The 5% that do are never as bad as I had envisioned them."
Take time to see yourself living your life in complete control and more fully and happily then you ever have before.
What you visualize all day long you will bring about.
Where you put the power of your attention is what manifests it self so do not dwell on or allow your fears in,
Stop bringing up and processing of your fears. as a result, soon, they fade away and are "out of here".