Ever Wonder What Can Blow Up And Wreck Your Love By Design Relationship?
By Cucan Pemo Publishing 19 Comments
Not many people know about the hidden power struggles that can occur in a relationship or marriage. This article is
about a hidden powerstruggle known as rhythms. Every person
has their own unique rhythm whether that is how they eat,
sleep, work, relax, or even think and breathe.
However, in our society, we have been taught to assume to
everyone is alike, or that there is a specific way that
everyone needs to go about their day in order to strive and
be successful. This can cause a powerstruggle in a
relationship in two ways.
1) Each partner will think that the other person has the
same rhythm as them, so if they are not doing things the
same way as them they are either doing things wrong or
intentially trying to resist them.
2) If the partners are trying to copy the other person's
rhythm, it will be not in their highest and best interest.
They will not be 'productive' or be in a healthy lifestyle
for the individual, which leads to powerstruggles anyway.
This article is to bring attention to some of the less well
known types of rhythms in a relationship.
Our first is what I will call a task accomplishment rhythm.
In our work, we teach individuals and couples something
similar called workstyles which are ways how people like to
carry out their work or activities such as Guideline people
who need a basic guideline or structure 24 hours a day or
Employee people who like to go by other peoples rules for a
certain portion of the day, then the rest of the time they
go by their own rules.
For task accomplishment rhythms, I will use Rob, my Life
Partner (who is also the Director/Counsellor for the Life
Management Centre/ LMC Relationship Centre and Co-author of
Love by Design) and myself as an example.
When Rob is accomplishing tasks throughout his day, he likes
to do a whole bunch of tasks, one after the other, nonstop
without any breaks. Then stop for the day. I on the other
hand, although having an Employee Workstyle, while I am
actually working for or with the other person, like to work
for a while, take a break, work for a while, take a break
etc. In the beginning of our relationship, there was an
unconscious powerstruggle, mostly felt by me because I
couldn't keep up the same momentum as Rob, especially if we
had been out shopping or in public, I would have to have
rest and recoup before I could charge into the next task at
hand. I would get really tired and uncomfortable, and Rob
would feel my resistance.
That didn't last for long though, as soon as I recognized
that my rhythm was different than Rob's, I brought it to his
attention. I accepted that my rhythm is different than his
and he has incorporated my rhythm into his schedule, so I
can rest in peace, and then join him again in our tasks. The
good news is that I was just as productive as Rob, as long
as I kept true to myself and my rhythm.
Another example of a rhythm is that people have different
speech patterns, speed and rhythms. Rob had a couple come in
to see him once, were the couple was having a communication
The wife talked a mile a minute; the husband talked very
slowly and paused a lot when talking. The wife often cut him
off, between pauses, the husband often feeling offended by
being interrupted all the time and the wife always felt like
they weren't getting anywhere in their communication. Would
you believe the powerstruggle was there simply because they
weren't aware that they had different speaking rhythms? As
soon as Rob pointed this out to them, and taught them how to
understand, appreciate and not be in nonresistance to their
rhythm their communication greatly improved. The wife,
especially learned to be aware of the husband's pause, and
that the pause didn't mean he was finished talking.
There are many other types of rhythms out there that will be
unique to you and to you partner. Your assignment, if you
choose to accept it, is to be aware of your feelings. If you
ever feel like you are in resistance to your partner, such
as feeling angry, a drop of energy or the need to dig your
heels in, be on the 'look out' and 'feel out' for a
potential rhythm that may be different.
Next, bring you partner into awareness, then accept, and
appreciate both your partner's and your own unique rhythms.
With acceptance, nonresistance and being authentic, you will
find that not only will the resistance fade away, both of
your fill be at you fullest, and highest and best capacity
in all areas of your lives.